What's My Story?

I am  a wife, a mom of three and a woman trying to navigate the twists and turns of the roller-coaster that is Bipolar Disorder.  My son was diagnosed as Bipolar at age 16, and life before his diagnosis was rough enough, not understanding the severity, we were unprepared for life after diagnosis.  In order to appreciate my perspective on Bipolar Disorder, I'd like to give you some background.  This, I do not share lightly, it is terribly private and painful, but in order to help another mom or dad struggling with sharing their own experiences with family and friends, I let you in........


I wrote that first paragraph almost one month ago with quite an in depth explanation of my son's experiences but as I got about half way through I stopped.  I thought I stopped because it was  so painful to write, but I realized that I was telling my son's story and not mine.  I wasn't doing him justice as a whole person.  So I have shelved that version, and instead give you my fairly abbreviated story.

As most mothers, I had goals and expectations for my children when they were born.  Anything seemed possible, the world was their oyster and I was going to do whatever it took to stay on course.  Are you laughing yet?  Stay on course?  Who did I think I was having a plan as if I was in control?  Having a child who is Bipolar altered our course long before a diagnosis, and I m having a very difficult time accepting this.  Our quiet, pre-fixed menu of a life has been shaken like a snow globe in the hands of a two year old.  But if I'm honest with myself, there were always little shake ups along the way, having nothing to do with Bipolar Disorder,  that threw us off course, not part of my design but certainly in God's master plan.  It was simply life at work.

My son turns 18 this month and I am scared to death.  Most people would say I should be relieved that he has to take more responsibility for himself and his own life.  But I don't feel that way because I am his mom first and foremost and I want to protect him from the decisions that can hurt him.  You see, he has already made some dangerous and painful decisions in his short life that have set him back academically, economically, emotionally and socially. This mental illness, a term I'm not all together comfortable using, has robbed him of sound decision making, and social inclusion and self confidence.  Now, I'm completely aware that most teenagers do not make sound decisions, in fact we can pretty much anticipate it throughout their teens and early twenties!  But Bipolar Disorder goes above and beyond because it tricks the mind into believing they know it all, they are experts in all matters, and carry a false bravado that makes them feel even more invincible than most teens do.  They have many ideas in the wee hours of the morning that never see fruition, and then the depression from the isolation they feel within takes hold, along with anger that is often unapologetic because it is too painful to revisit.  This is the "Bipolar Coaster" I ride daily. This is the roller coaster many parents of Bipolar children have no choice but to ride.  To say that Bipolar Disorder has thrown us off course is an understatement.  What does my son's future look like?  I really do not have a clue anymore, but I know he wants one.  And I have learned to live day by day.  Well that's not entirely true, I AM LEARNING TO LIVE DAY BY DAY. I only have the day that is in front of me, and I only have control of my own actions in regard to my son's bipolar disorder.  My husband is much further along in this process than I am, attribute it to the apron string theory I suppose.  I feel that if I let go, then I'm sending my son the message that I no longer care, as screwy as that sounds.  If you do not have a child who is Bipolar you do not know how frightening it is that they now have control of their own lives.  My son has chosen not to live with us.  That choice was painful enough to accept, but the thought of him not taking medication, ending up homeless, and misunderstood by the authorities is more than I can bare.  I do worry about him driving at night, and doing well in school and dating the right girl but these concerns pale in comparison I'm afraid.

For all of the pain I've experienced, I relish in the moments I have with my son that are raw and honest and light.  He is extremely bright and funny and I hope as he matures and feels more comfortable in his diagnosis ( a diagnosis he rejects at the moment) more of these beautiful traits and gifts will show themselves.  He is creative, and needs to give himself more credit for his accomplishments which are measured differently now as well, but that is all part of this new "path" my family is on.  I'd like to say that I have evolved and my experiences have allowed me to see only what is important in life, and that I no longer "sweat the small stuff".  Nope, I'm still a control freak, who just this morning gave my youngest daughter a hard time about the shoes she paired with her dress.  Petty as that is, it is a small reminder that I'm still a mom of three, and no one's lives are stopping for me.  My other kids need me to be their mom, and while I have days when my bed is the only comfort I seek, and I want desperately to turn back the clock, I cannot let my life be lived without me.  I am a work in progress.........