Waiting For the Other Shoe

Have you ever not allowed yourself to enjoy life because you are waiting for the other proverbial steel toed boot to drop?  What if it doesn't?  Or what if that shoe is just a sandal?  The other shoe WILL most likely drop at some point, but it is what we do with ourselves in the mean time that shapes how we handle the "boom".

For the last two months we have been blessed to have my son back home.  It has been an answer to what seemed like a very long prayer.  But, and I really hate to be a glass half empty kind of gal, but, I keep waiting for the boom!  The past few years have been so volatile, so simply sad, I don't want to allow myself the joy I really want to experience.  The joy I'm entitled to feel.  As parents, mothers especially, we protect ourselves from the unforeseen, or from what we have already experienced and cannot bare to again.  Unfortunately though, in the process we miss a lot of life.

I know from experience that our lives can take a quick turn at any given time, but I don't have to lie in wait for what may or may not happen.  My kids think I'm boring, and they're right I AM boring!  I always have my suit of armor on to protect myself from the insignificant eye roll or the heart piercing "you will never see me again", always a crowd pleas-er to which I respond "good I hope I don't".  Not my proudest work, but oh so satisfying in the moment.  I've been in survival mode for so long, my kids don't remember the fun me, the silly me.  I really haven't given myself permission to be human because that means being the "v" word, vulnerable.

It's in that vulnerability that we also get to experience all of the positive, beautiful parts of life.  And in protecting ourselves from the pain we exclude ourselves from the peace.  And let's face it, when a relapse occurs we are going to want something positive to hold on to, to get us through it.  In these times I remind myself of the accomplishments my son has made since returning home.  I am proud of him.  He has finished school, he has a job and he is taking steps toward advancing his education.  A few years ago I would have assumed he would have accomplished this and more.  Well you know what they say, never assume because it makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'.  That pearl of wisdom was brought to you by my eighth grade teacher, Sister Thomas Ann. Yes, you read that correctly!  But I digress.  So when times get a little dark around here, I remind myself that he can and will do so much more.  And I think back to just one year ago, really just three months ago, his future looked bleak, and our family was fractured.  I am so grateful for right now.  It is by no means perfection, in the time I've taken to write this post, there have been setbacks, but nothing we cannot handle.  We are only guaranteed right now, so we can either lie in wait for the next horrible, awful thing to happen, or we can celebrate the good in the moment.  Okay perhaps celebrate is a little optimistic. Enjoy, bask, savor....you choose. 

I am learning that while I have been in survival mode, I have allowed friendships to deteriorate. People are busy, everybody has something pulling them back from sharing themselves with friends and loved ones.  And until we break the cycle of keeping to ourselves because it's easier, we just don't know who else may be waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I miss socializing, I've almost forgotten how!  But  I'm not alone.  There are many of you who are dealing with a relative's illness, a pile of bills, a demanding job, empty nesting it for the first time or you are doing it all by yourself.  And getting through each day on a wing and a prayer.  You're isolated because you don't think anyone else would understand.  Everyone else's lives appear so orderly.  Appearances can be deceiving my friends, and exhausting! It requires a lot of effort to maintain a perfect facade and frankly I don't have the energy for it anymore.  I know I can help more people if I tell my story, rather than worry about the handful who will judge me for it.  

If we do not put ourselves out there then what will fill our conversations we have with our spouses at night, or friends on the weekends?  For as much as I have immersed myself in all things Bipolar, not everyone is as enthusiastic, I get it.  I recently started a part part part time job as an independent consultant for a direct sales company.  Now, going way back to grade school, selling candy door to door, I knew I was not meant for this line of work. It was clear when my cousin, who was a natural born salesman even at the age of eight, sold the candy for me by telling people I couldn't speak.  Did I mention we were eight?  So, with that experience in mind, I thought it would be a fabulous idea to pursue this line of work now.  I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone, the bubble I've created for myself, and I am proud to say I am failing miserably!  It does not come easy to me, I fear rejection even at 40ish, okay it's a firm 45. But if I continue then I have something to call my own, fail or no fail, something to inject into a conversation, something to share, and most importantly something that keeps me occupied when the other shoe does drop.  Because it will drop, what goes up must come down.  Hopefully more like a feather rather than a lead balloon. 

Sibling Balancing Act

As I mentioned in my first post, I am the mother of three.  And while it is my son who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, the family lives with it, as if it is an additional family member.   How do we avoid allowing our other children to get lost in the fray?  Life is a balancing act without throwing mental illness into the fold, but how do we maintain this balance while living with what is, at it's very core, UN-balanced?  My family and I are constantly trying to figure this out.  Some days I think we have it down, and others I am reminded of how little control of said balance we have. 
 
Our two daughters are younger than our son, one almost fifteen and the other is nine.  Each have been affected but cope very differently.  Our older daughter is quiet, and doesn't like to talk about it.  She has many friends and I'm sure she confides in them often, as teenagers do.  She is a sweet girl with so much to offer this world.  Her silence is at times mistaken for strength.  My girl is strong but she is still just a girl who needs reassurance that things are going to be alright.  Our youngest, is definitely more vocal.  It isn't often that I'm forced to guess what thoughts are racing through that little head because if she's thinking it, she's speaking it.   But, I have noticed an increased level of anxiety, she has become a bit of a worry wart.  She has also demonstrated a need for things to be in a certain order.  However she is not at all allowing her fears or anxiety to inhibit her, she is always on the move and very social, some might say.....chatty.  

Actually, my little chatterbox asked if she might be able to write something of her own to be included in this post.  When I started writing this blog, and had it open on my computer, and she asked about it.  After explaining that I wanted to help other families like us she asked if she could too.  So the following paragraph is written by my "youngest contributor" from the heart of a nine year old.


Hello. I am Colleen Sagert’s daughter, Bridget. I am in 4^th grade. I asked my mom today if I could write about what it is like for kids to see bipolar in action and how you can help them take their mind off of it. A little while ago I went to see a therapist. I told her when there were fights I was asked to go to my room, and that I would wonder and be worried about what’s going on outside the door because I could hear it all but not see it all. She told me things I can do to take my mind off what is happening. So, she told me I can get a tissue or shoe box and decorate it ahead of time. I can fill it with anything! Like nail polish, paint and paper, coloring materials, duck tape, and all kinds of stuff! I haven’t gotten a chance to try it because things are actually going very well right now. But, I bet the shoe or tissue box idea works!!!  Another way was if my parents could start spending some more time with me.  For example, maybe shopping or go out for brunch or dinner. I hope this was helpful advice! 

Simple, right? We forget just how basic our kids' need really are.  Some love and time, and apparently brunch on occasion, is what they need and ask for even when living with bipolar feels so complicated.  How do we maintain the connection, and give our undivided attention to our other children when our lives are steeped in chaos?  It is all too easy to delay giving them what they need because their demands aren't as immediate as the child who is depressed or manic.  But if we delay too long, they will be.  I catch myself focusing so much on my son and his needs, or how I'm being affected that even in good times I don't pay enough attention to my daughters.  I have to reprogram myself to turn my focus on my girls.  I don't mean to imply that it is work to spend time with them, just that at times It is a conscious effort.  Have I taken them shopping one too many times?  Perhaps, but I would rather they remember a shopping trip with their mom than a screaming match.  And just maybe at times I overcompensate because they are both daddy's girls and yes, I'm a bit jealous.  I admire my husband for his ability to in a sense, shake off a bad day and turn his attention to his daughters, because they can turn his day around.  I don't let go that easy, and so I miss out on some of the good stuff, but I'm trying.  Admittedly, there are days when I don't want to deal with a play date for my youngest daughter, because I don't feel like being "on", but I realize how important it is to maintain the normal as much as possible. After all they did not ask for this either.  

Everyone has something they are dealing with, and I hope that my daughters have learned that they are prepared for anything life hands them. My son's struggles have taught my girls to be more compassionate and understanding.  And although there have been times when they have been separated by distance or emotion from one another, there is an unbreakable bond between my three kids I hope only strengthens with time and maturity.   They might even appreciate each other more for having gone through such challenging times.   My son loves his sisters and they love him, it is simple.  

I don't pretend to have all the answers in regard to raising children, but I do know that if we can strip back the complicated and feed our kids' basic needs then we are in a good place.  If we are checking in with them regularly, and doing our best to keep things as normal as possible, by being consistent then hopefully they carry fewer emotional scars with them as they grow.  It all comes back to balance, and placing just as much importance on your healthy kids' needs.  Every one's individual success is vital to the success of the family.  If we concentrate on only one or some, then the family falls apart.  It is often impossible to give everyone our attention 100% of the time, but it seems almost instinctual for children to know which one of them needs the most attention, and who should step back.  Not always, but sometimes when we, the parents need it the most.  Something else to remember is how we benefit from giving more of ourselves to our children.  As parents of children with mental illness, we so often feel beat down and unappreciated, and beg for that child's love, when through no fault of their own, they are unable to express it.  Spending some extra time with our other children can help to ease some of the sadness.  They fill our cup, and we fill theirs.  And on a good day or week or month, there is balance, which feels like an undeniable accomplishment.