In honor of Mother's Day, I dedicate this post to all mothers, those with children living with mental illness, and all mothers fighting the good fight every day to provide love, encouragement, support, stability and opportunity for their children. While Hallmark recognizes mothers one day a year, it is a 24/7, 365 day a year, forever endeavor. So enjoy your day, whether it be spent with your kids, who are pretending not to hate each other just for a day, or in solitude at a spa with a glass of wine, or a little of both. Hold tight the memories made this weekend.
I'd like to talk about one mother in particular, my own. I could not have gotten through so many of the challenges of the past two years without this incredible woman. She personifies strength and determination for me. To quit is not in her vernacular or her DNA, she is tenacious and uncompromising when it comes to her family. She is who you want in your corner when the chips are down, and everything seems impossible. My mother is a bulldog in sheep's clothing.
When my son was first diagnosed, my mom researched every site she could on bipolar disorder, she educated herself so that she could better understand my son and what my family goes through. When it comes to health, mental or physical my mother has always believed in educating oneself in order to be one's own and best advocate. It is no different for those she loves. She would email various sites to read, and when I was too wrapped up in the eye of any given storm, it was comforting to know I could talk to her, in short hand, without rehashing the day in detail. She didn't blink when I would snap at her in exhaustion, but instead offer an ear to bend.
In the past year in particular, my husband and I have been faced with situations in which we could never have anticipated. My son's bipolar disorder coupled with other issues forced us to make some heartbreaking decisions. My mom was a rock. She has never judged her grandson for his actions, and she has been witness to some doozies. She sees him through a different lens and I have jokingly told her this wasn't the mom I had growing up. But that wasn't her role as mother, she and my father had to make tough decisions for myself and my brother and sister as well. As do any parents. Her role as grandmother allows her to have a relationship with her grandchildren free of parental responsibility, and instead one of mentor, nurturer, and friend. And she takes her role very seriously. I count my children quite fortunate to have this woman as their grandmother.
I have cried to her and with her on many occasions, more than I can count. But she always managed to give me hope, even in the bleakest days. I draw strength from her when I'm feeling weak and unsure of myself. I only hope I can do the same for her. She defines 'selfless" and has given me much more than I have given her. I want her to know I am always here to return the favor, although hers are big footsteps in which to follow.
I get to spend part of this weekend with two of my favorite people. I feel so blessed to be able to share a day that honors mothers with them. Two mothers for whom I have profound respect, two women I am privileged to call mother and sister. I look forward to spending the day, doing what we do best, talking for hours! This is such priceless, uninterrupted (once you have children this word falls into unfamiliar territory, only to be found again in the years of empty nesting I'm told) quality time and I will cherish it. And I will hold tight the memories we make.
Happy Mother's Day Mom. Thank you for being you.
Showing posts with label mom of bipolar teen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mom of bipolar teen. Show all posts
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Friday, April 25, 2014
"Black Box" Fact or Fiction?
Last night ABC premiered a new drama called Black Box. It focuses on a very successful neurologist, Catherine Black, who is hiding the fact that she has bipolar disorder, but because of her own personal issues she is able to show her patients compassion that other doctors may lack.
It's a drama, in a ten pm time slot, so did I expect it to be a documentary or a true life depiction of a day in the life of? No. I anticipated that it would be salacious and glamorized, but I hoped it would be more responsible. It's as if the writers pulled from the wikipedia definition of what it is to be bipolar and squeezed it all into one episode. And the clincher is that she frequently and deliberately goes off her meds to achieve a high that she feels allows her to be at her best. Here in lies the moral and ethical dilemma of the show.
When someone who is has bipolar disorder is non-compliant with their medication, they can be self-destructive. They usually cycle through extreme mood changes such as a euphoric mania, an intense agitation, and self loathing depression. There are those who cycle through rapidly and those who cycle through over months at a time. But, the show's character skips her medication for one day and all hell breaks lose? That may be the case for a few but not the majority. And I can tell you from experience with my son, her return to work the following day is highly unlikely. Anyone having cycled through a gamut of extreme emotion would be exhausted. She was also able to hide her condition from her boyfriend of one year, having gone off her meds several times. That would be impossible to hide for that long without some red flags being raised. There were definitely creative liberties taken here. And wouldn't it be lovely to have a state of the art facility such as the one where Black works, available to us all? I can guarantee you I'd be battling with my insurance company over whether it is 'necessary coverage', and there is nothing glamorous about that!
There were some very emotional moments that hit home with me though. I was caught off guard by my own reaction to her being placed in the ambulance and put in restraints. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Her struggle to maintain relationships, keeping her secret so that people would "like" her, was all too familiar. Hiding this condition is a lot of work and can contribute to triggers that set off a cycle of mania and depression.
One constant running throughout the show was the term "normalize". In her work, it is her job to normalize her patients whether through surgery or med therapy, but she wrestles with wanting that for herself. She doesn't feel that everyone needs to be what society deems normal. I like to think of the word "normalize" not so much as a label, but as a vehicle to assist someone with mental illness, to live their most productive life possible. Normal is a spectrum in and of itself, and most people if honest aren't comfortable living on the fringe, especially when not by choice. Perhaps normal should be subjective, but we clearly put people in categories we are comfortable with. When Catherine is manic and putting herself in danger because she cannot control her impulses, she is faced with the question posed to her by her psychiatrist, "do you want to be exceptional and dead?" Her point being that her risk taking would end her life at some point, and that staying on her medication and normalizing was necessary to stay alive, for herself, her work, and for who is later revealed as her daughter.
I vacillate back and forth between wanting this show to succeed in order to get the word out, and settling for the way it is done. I had my own reservations as I mentioned and waited until this morning to read the opinions of so many with bipolar posting on message boards. I may have experience with this, but it is those who are actually diagnosed with bipolar disorder who truly know whether they are accurately represented. Many, many did not like the show for the way it handled not taking medication. Not to mention the fact that it focused primarily on the mania, easier to glamorize the highs as opposed to the lows. The depression in bipolar is very real and dark but a one hour drama can't spend much time on something that doesn't make good TV. My question is whether it had an impact on those who do not live with mental illness in some capacity? Did it prompt you to question more? Did it give you cause for more compassion? Did it help you to understand something you knew nothing about? Or was it simply entertainment? Is it true that any press is good press? At what cost? I hope that this prompts more documentaries to be made, so the general public can get a glimpse of what really does happen in the day and the life of someone with a mental illness and those who love them.
Did you watch? What did you think?
It's a drama, in a ten pm time slot, so did I expect it to be a documentary or a true life depiction of a day in the life of? No. I anticipated that it would be salacious and glamorized, but I hoped it would be more responsible. It's as if the writers pulled from the wikipedia definition of what it is to be bipolar and squeezed it all into one episode. And the clincher is that she frequently and deliberately goes off her meds to achieve a high that she feels allows her to be at her best. Here in lies the moral and ethical dilemma of the show.
When someone who is has bipolar disorder is non-compliant with their medication, they can be self-destructive. They usually cycle through extreme mood changes such as a euphoric mania, an intense agitation, and self loathing depression. There are those who cycle through rapidly and those who cycle through over months at a time. But, the show's character skips her medication for one day and all hell breaks lose? That may be the case for a few but not the majority. And I can tell you from experience with my son, her return to work the following day is highly unlikely. Anyone having cycled through a gamut of extreme emotion would be exhausted. She was also able to hide her condition from her boyfriend of one year, having gone off her meds several times. That would be impossible to hide for that long without some red flags being raised. There were definitely creative liberties taken here. And wouldn't it be lovely to have a state of the art facility such as the one where Black works, available to us all? I can guarantee you I'd be battling with my insurance company over whether it is 'necessary coverage', and there is nothing glamorous about that!
There were some very emotional moments that hit home with me though. I was caught off guard by my own reaction to her being placed in the ambulance and put in restraints. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Her struggle to maintain relationships, keeping her secret so that people would "like" her, was all too familiar. Hiding this condition is a lot of work and can contribute to triggers that set off a cycle of mania and depression.
One constant running throughout the show was the term "normalize". In her work, it is her job to normalize her patients whether through surgery or med therapy, but she wrestles with wanting that for herself. She doesn't feel that everyone needs to be what society deems normal. I like to think of the word "normalize" not so much as a label, but as a vehicle to assist someone with mental illness, to live their most productive life possible. Normal is a spectrum in and of itself, and most people if honest aren't comfortable living on the fringe, especially when not by choice. Perhaps normal should be subjective, but we clearly put people in categories we are comfortable with. When Catherine is manic and putting herself in danger because she cannot control her impulses, she is faced with the question posed to her by her psychiatrist, "do you want to be exceptional and dead?" Her point being that her risk taking would end her life at some point, and that staying on her medication and normalizing was necessary to stay alive, for herself, her work, and for who is later revealed as her daughter.
I vacillate back and forth between wanting this show to succeed in order to get the word out, and settling for the way it is done. I had my own reservations as I mentioned and waited until this morning to read the opinions of so many with bipolar posting on message boards. I may have experience with this, but it is those who are actually diagnosed with bipolar disorder who truly know whether they are accurately represented. Many, many did not like the show for the way it handled not taking medication. Not to mention the fact that it focused primarily on the mania, easier to glamorize the highs as opposed to the lows. The depression in bipolar is very real and dark but a one hour drama can't spend much time on something that doesn't make good TV. My question is whether it had an impact on those who do not live with mental illness in some capacity? Did it prompt you to question more? Did it give you cause for more compassion? Did it help you to understand something you knew nothing about? Or was it simply entertainment? Is it true that any press is good press? At what cost? I hope that this prompts more documentaries to be made, so the general public can get a glimpse of what really does happen in the day and the life of someone with a mental illness and those who love them.
Did you watch? What did you think?
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Support
As I poured through message boards and blogs relating to bipolar disorder, trying to decide what this week's post should be about, there was one re-occurring theme no matter what the topic......support. Whether it was a mother desperately seeking information from others who have walked in her shoes, or those who have dealt with this much longer than I have, disseminating helpful information and resources, there was so much support.
You see, it is easier for people within the "Bipolar community" to respond to one another with words of support and knowledge, but what about those who know little to nothing about this disorder? Why do we expect people to know what to say when we tell them about a week long manic episode? If the information isn't out there then we cannot have expectations. And unfortunately it is left to us, the parents to educate our family and friends. The problem is we are so knee deep in the daily turmoil that the thought of explaining it to everyone is exhausting. We would love to get out of our own heads and not think about it for that cocktail hour with friends or at the weekend dance competition, but it is always there. And what else do we have to talk about since it is what we live 24/7? I struggle with this, but without the support of those closest to us it becomes impossible to move forward.
I urge those of you who haven't told your family and friends what you are going through to do so. It isn't easy because rejection is always waiting in the wings. When I was a little girl, I worried about whether other people liked me, and whether I fit in. Hello childhood, deja vu! But this time around, I don't worry about people liking ME, I worry about my son being treated differently. It's funny, because what parent worries about telling their friends their child has a physical disease? Would you be concerned about sharing your struggle with diabetes, or cancer? Of course not, and people's reactions would reflect that. They don't tell you tough love will heal your child, or kicking him out of the house will make him better. But those are some very real and typical responses from those who have little knowledge of mental illness. And who spends their time boning up on the latest issue of 'Bipolar Monthly' if they don't need to? However we must do better because we all know someone who is quietly, painfully dealing with this in some capacity, and we could all be more compassionate. On a recent news show profiling the shortfalls in the mental health system ( a topic for another day), parents were asked to explain the difference between telling people their children had a mental illness verses a physical disease. The response was "casseroles". One woman explained that when her daughter had her appendix removed people showed up on her doorstep with food. And when her son was admitted to a psychiatric hospital that same year, silence. People just don't know what to say. It isn't your fault, mental health is so ambiguous, we don't know what to do with it emotionally, right? An appendectomy is very cut and dry, we know to be sympathetic, offer our help and time. But a mental illness can imply so many things. Does it mean a person is crazy? Do we treat them with kid gloves and walk wide circles around them? Is it easier to simply stay away?
We have to eliminate the stigma. My son did not choose to be bipolar, and medication doesn't 'cure' him. Even with medication there are set backs. I am not asking for any casseroles to be left at my doorstep. I am asking that the next time you are faced with a loved one having the courage to share the most painful parts of their lives, let them know you are going to do a little reading. Try not to give parenting advice, because parenting the average child is far different than parenting a bipolar child. Everything you know and practice gets tossed out the window. You cannot discipline bipolar away. Check in with them more often to see how they are because things can change so quickly. Life can be great one day and the next is chaos! Or vise-versa. Give them a chance to share the positives as well. And don't be offended when they don't want to talk because sometimes it takes too much effort, or nerves are so raw that a meltdown in the produce section of the grocery store is entirely possible. But don't let being afraid to say the right thing prevent you from saying anything. Your love and support is everything!
If you would like information about Bipolar Disorder or other facets of mental illness there are some wonderful organizations with very comprehensive websites such as NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and National Institute of Mental Health and International Bipolar Foundation. For parents of bipolar kids who are looking for ways to share your story with family and friends, these websites are valuable tools to assist you. When you share your stories you will feel more vulnerable but it's that vulnerability that opens up the possibility for others to share their stories with you too. I have told my story to people I've known for a short while, and even some my whole life, and found out they too have a child or a mother or a friend who is bipolar. The more comfortable we feel, the hope is that our children feel more comfortable as well. They are the ones living with it, and we shouldn't make them feel ashamed by hiding it. We certainly do not need to divulge every private moment, but they have the right to be just as proud of themselves as any other child.
Today is my son's 18th birthday. And my birthday wish for him is to feel secure in knowing I am always here for him, during the highs and lows and every space in between, unconditionally. Although so much easier written than shown, I will continuously do what I can to help him feel supported.
Thank you for yours!
You see, it is easier for people within the "Bipolar community" to respond to one another with words of support and knowledge, but what about those who know little to nothing about this disorder? Why do we expect people to know what to say when we tell them about a week long manic episode? If the information isn't out there then we cannot have expectations. And unfortunately it is left to us, the parents to educate our family and friends. The problem is we are so knee deep in the daily turmoil that the thought of explaining it to everyone is exhausting. We would love to get out of our own heads and not think about it for that cocktail hour with friends or at the weekend dance competition, but it is always there. And what else do we have to talk about since it is what we live 24/7? I struggle with this, but without the support of those closest to us it becomes impossible to move forward.
I urge those of you who haven't told your family and friends what you are going through to do so. It isn't easy because rejection is always waiting in the wings. When I was a little girl, I worried about whether other people liked me, and whether I fit in. Hello childhood, deja vu! But this time around, I don't worry about people liking ME, I worry about my son being treated differently. It's funny, because what parent worries about telling their friends their child has a physical disease? Would you be concerned about sharing your struggle with diabetes, or cancer? Of course not, and people's reactions would reflect that. They don't tell you tough love will heal your child, or kicking him out of the house will make him better. But those are some very real and typical responses from those who have little knowledge of mental illness. And who spends their time boning up on the latest issue of 'Bipolar Monthly' if they don't need to? However we must do better because we all know someone who is quietly, painfully dealing with this in some capacity, and we could all be more compassionate. On a recent news show profiling the shortfalls in the mental health system ( a topic for another day), parents were asked to explain the difference between telling people their children had a mental illness verses a physical disease. The response was "casseroles". One woman explained that when her daughter had her appendix removed people showed up on her doorstep with food. And when her son was admitted to a psychiatric hospital that same year, silence. People just don't know what to say. It isn't your fault, mental health is so ambiguous, we don't know what to do with it emotionally, right? An appendectomy is very cut and dry, we know to be sympathetic, offer our help and time. But a mental illness can imply so many things. Does it mean a person is crazy? Do we treat them with kid gloves and walk wide circles around them? Is it easier to simply stay away?
We have to eliminate the stigma. My son did not choose to be bipolar, and medication doesn't 'cure' him. Even with medication there are set backs. I am not asking for any casseroles to be left at my doorstep. I am asking that the next time you are faced with a loved one having the courage to share the most painful parts of their lives, let them know you are going to do a little reading. Try not to give parenting advice, because parenting the average child is far different than parenting a bipolar child. Everything you know and practice gets tossed out the window. You cannot discipline bipolar away. Check in with them more often to see how they are because things can change so quickly. Life can be great one day and the next is chaos! Or vise-versa. Give them a chance to share the positives as well. And don't be offended when they don't want to talk because sometimes it takes too much effort, or nerves are so raw that a meltdown in the produce section of the grocery store is entirely possible. But don't let being afraid to say the right thing prevent you from saying anything. Your love and support is everything!
If you would like information about Bipolar Disorder or other facets of mental illness there are some wonderful organizations with very comprehensive websites such as NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and National Institute of Mental Health and International Bipolar Foundation. For parents of bipolar kids who are looking for ways to share your story with family and friends, these websites are valuable tools to assist you. When you share your stories you will feel more vulnerable but it's that vulnerability that opens up the possibility for others to share their stories with you too. I have told my story to people I've known for a short while, and even some my whole life, and found out they too have a child or a mother or a friend who is bipolar. The more comfortable we feel, the hope is that our children feel more comfortable as well. They are the ones living with it, and we shouldn't make them feel ashamed by hiding it. We certainly do not need to divulge every private moment, but they have the right to be just as proud of themselves as any other child.
Today is my son's 18th birthday. And my birthday wish for him is to feel secure in knowing I am always here for him, during the highs and lows and every space in between, unconditionally. Although so much easier written than shown, I will continuously do what I can to help him feel supported.
Thank you for yours!
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