Each year 4600 hundred lives between the ages of 10 and 24 are lost to suicide. I had to look twice at that statistic because my youngest is turning 10 soon and no child should have thoughts so dark so young. 1100 of that 4600 are college students. The number of attempts are far greater, 157,000 youth between 10 and 24, are treated for self inflicted wounds, and this is just what is reported. There are far more who contemplate ending their lives, choose not to, and never say a word because they are ashamed. Shame and fear drive the decisions of many teens who feel isolated and alone. I guarantee that your teenage son or daughter knows someone who has either contemplated or attempted suicide. Why? Well that is a complicated question, with an equally complicated answer.
There are many reasons young people take their own lives. For those who have been diagnosed with a mental illness such as depression, or bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, there is not just the issue of chemical imbalance, or the "mind games" these disorders play, but the drugs used to treat them. It is a catch twenty-two of sorts, the necessity of medication and the dangers of their side affects. For young people especially, when the mind and body are not fully developed, anti-depressants can be very tricky. It is vitally important to watch your son or daughter very closely when starting a new medication. The teen years are already fraught with angst, loneliness and isolation for so many, so it can be difficult to determine when a teen is just being a teen, and when they demonstrate more than moodiness.
Social media, a demon I did not have to contend with as a teenager, has altered how young society communicates today. When I was young, (oh how I hate saying that)our only form of communication, other than messenger bird, was the equally archaic home telephone. We were not in round the clock contact with our friends, and when I say 'friends', these were people we actually knew......in the flesh.....not on line. Which leads me to my point. With 872 'friends', how could anyone feel so alone? Because it is not real! It is not genuine, or substantive, or reciprocal in any way, it is simply an escape for some, a race to the popularity finish line for others (a race some adults are still running) and a really big problem.
A child who is lonely can hide away in the world of abstracts, mistaking technology for true companionship. A child who is bullied, no longer has respite in their own home. As a young, skinny, freckle faced, shy girl, with a lazy eye, I took some verbal hits, but I always knew that once I was home, I could block it out for another night. Today, teens and even tweens can torment 24/7 by posting on social media sites and group messaging, until there is no safe place to go. I, at least had time to regroup after a rough day at school, but there is no down time for a young person today, so the weight of the world continues to bare down on their heart and soul. This is what brings thoughts of suicide to the mind of what some might deem a seemingly aloof and moody teen. This generation has been given a gift and uses it as a weapon. Perhaps they are simply too young for such a gift, and we have underestimated its power in the hands of the under developed mind, and over emotional heart.
So where do we go from here? Well, we watch our kids for signs, mental illness or not. The quirks not noticed before, the changes, subtle and not so subtle, in behavior. And the friends, we have to pay attention to their friends. Do they have any? Are our kids socializing with a completely different set of friends than last week, or last month? Have they lost an interest in school, or sports, or something they used to be passionate about? As if our parental plate isn't full enough, we must, as parents of teens and pre-teens, be mindful of these changes. Most will hit the expected bumps in the road, but some will have to look closer and get help.
Getting help for your teen can range from seeing a therapist, to hospitalization. If you are faced with having to hospitalize your child, it can be terrifying, and very tricky to navigate, especially if your child is an adult teen. Suicide is never a topic to be taken lightly, even when your son or daughter makes a joke, they may be testing the waters to see if you pick up on it. Do not be afraid to have that conversation, as uncomfortable as it may be, it may save their life.
Robin Williams' suicide hit me particularly hard, as my family was in the throws of a crisis at that time and it hit close to home. There is nothing black and white about suicide, it is ALL about the grey in the middle. It is about pain, confusion, despair and isolation. I used to think it was a terribly selfish way to leave the world, and those left behind, but I now believe the person suffering believes they are relieving those around him or her of pain they think they are causing. You and I know that their death brings more pain, not relief, but you and I are mentally healthy. The mind that cannot rest, or the heart enveloped in pain, does not rationalize, if they did, if they could, they would choose to live.
If you know someone struggling there are help lines and organizations equipped to help.
The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1 800-273-TALK
NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) NAMI Information and help line is 1 800-950-NAMI
I urge you to go to cbs.com or YouTube to watch the episode entitled 'Nowhere to Go: Mentally Ill Youth In Crisis', about Virginia State Senator Creigh Deeds' mentally ill son, his attempt to help him, and how the mental health system failed them both. This piece shows just a glimpse of what parents of children with mental illness cope with daily. I hope this starts a dialogue with your son or daughter, whether you are casually checking in with them, probing a little deeper because they seem a little down or angry, or perhaps they have questions for you because they "have a friend who"...........however it comes about, your relationship will be richer for it, and some of you will save a life.
I really only scratched the surface of this delicate, but all too pressing issue. Once again, stigma prevents those who confront depression, and other mental illnesses from asking for help. Stigma stops parents from asking the right questions of the right people, and stigma creates shame. Shame is debilitating. Do not be ashamed.
