I have always considered myself a paint within the lines kind of gal. I am artistic and creative, but safe. I guess you could say I am a Type A personality with a side of "roll the dice". I don't like change, yet I crave spontaneity at times. I am, for the most part, a rule follower, not a rule breaker. But Bipolar Disorder is a rule breaker, a game changer if you will. It forces me to look for alternative ways to approach life.
This time of year is particularly difficult. Had my son continued with traditional education, he would be graduating from high school. And I am selfishly mourning the loss of all that goes with the pomp and circumstance. His loss is greater than mine, I know, and hopefully a short lived loss. There is no senior photo hanging on the wall, no prom, no yearbook, no cap and gown. And I know he wishes it was different, I'm sure he would go back and do things differently if he could, wouldn't most of us? I see friends photos and announcements celebrating their son or daughter's achievements and college endeavors and I find a lump in my throat accompanied by a twinge of jealousy. Don't misunderstand, I am very happy for them, and want nothing but success for their children, but I would also be perfectly content skipping right through the month of June and landing on July 4th.
This is when it is appropriate, even encouraged to color outside the lines, to think outside the box and change my approach. Bipolar Disorder is as I said a rule breaker, therefor, to a point, I must be too. Traditional methods of parenting a child with BD do not apply so I have to alter the course. I am challenged to find more effective ways to communicate and problem solve. For someone who has BD, loading them up with a list of goals is overwhelming, and futile. It is best to set a few at a time, therefor creating the possibility for success and lessening distraction. There is a war going on in their head between the grandiose ideas they create verses the lack of confidence they are left with when they cannot see it through to fruition. They are so sure that they are right but cannot see their way through the process. Imagine how that must feel? We deem it failure. If you thought you failed at every attempt to see a goal to fruition, where would that leave your confidence? Where would it leave your soul? You would be crushed, you would feel defeated all of the time.
Conventional education can come with all sorts of anxiety ridden circumstances. Alternative methods such as independent study, or even, yes the GED, should be considered. Trust me, that is a hard pill to swallow, but I would rather my child not get mired down in what others may think, I want his focus to be on his future. We, and I include myself, are conditioned to believe that everyone should follow the same path. Four years of high school, followed by four years of a college chosen from your many options. And for many that is exactly how it goes, and good for them. But our education system fails to meet the needs of those who color outside the lines. It is ill equipped to handle our 'out of the box thinkers', and what a shame, for while the bipolar mind may be divergent, it is often creative and brilliant. The road less traveled should be encouraged when the mainstream options have failed. We need to recognize the gifts, within the illness. More importantly, my son needs to see his own potential, and know that he can in fact reach it by less conventional methods.
He is actually more aware of it than I am. He knows that his sleep patterns and issues with focus are key factors in planning his schedule when he does attend college in the fall. A lighter schedule of classes is more appropriate for him, so as not to set himself up for failure. He knows enough about himself to consider all of the issues that challenge him, the follow through is where it gets tricky. So we continue to encourage, and try not to dwell on what may be missing. We look for the gifts within the illness and wait for the moments in which to coax them out. It can be a delicate dance, knowing when to lead and when to let go, when to push and when to pull back. I know what you are thinking, everyone needs to know failure, how else do we recognize success? I agree completely, but for those with bipolar disorder, failure is felt more often than by the average individual and the result is often depression, so why stack the deck?
I know in my head this is what he needs, my heart is trying to catch up. I want so badly to take the proverbial paintbrush out of his hands and paint the picture I see for his future. But this is his journey and my job is to encourage him to attain that future in a way that is productive and healthy for him. So if trading a few traditions that will soon be in his past, for the possibility of a bright future, then by all means color outside the lines, outside the page if necessary. Our history books and museums and theaters are filled with successful individuals who did just that while living with mental illness. Playwright Tennessee Williams, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, Ludwig Von Beethoven and Sir Isaac Newton, to name just a few. Perhaps we should focus less on how everyone reaches their destination, and how long it takes to get there, and instead appreciate the journey itself. I know that I still have a lot to learn about how to deal with Bipolar Disorder, and I hope I can be open minded and less controlling(not a quality I am known for) when my son's future is more Jackson Pollack than Claude Monet.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Mother of All Mothers...That's a Compliment
In honor of Mother's Day, I dedicate this post to all mothers, those with children living with mental illness, and all mothers fighting the good fight every day to provide love, encouragement, support, stability and opportunity for their children. While Hallmark recognizes mothers one day a year, it is a 24/7, 365 day a year, forever endeavor. So enjoy your day, whether it be spent with your kids, who are pretending not to hate each other just for a day, or in solitude at a spa with a glass of wine, or a little of both. Hold tight the memories made this weekend.
I'd like to talk about one mother in particular, my own. I could not have gotten through so many of the challenges of the past two years without this incredible woman. She personifies strength and determination for me. To quit is not in her vernacular or her DNA, she is tenacious and uncompromising when it comes to her family. She is who you want in your corner when the chips are down, and everything seems impossible. My mother is a bulldog in sheep's clothing.
When my son was first diagnosed, my mom researched every site she could on bipolar disorder, she educated herself so that she could better understand my son and what my family goes through. When it comes to health, mental or physical my mother has always believed in educating oneself in order to be one's own and best advocate. It is no different for those she loves. She would email various sites to read, and when I was too wrapped up in the eye of any given storm, it was comforting to know I could talk to her, in short hand, without rehashing the day in detail. She didn't blink when I would snap at her in exhaustion, but instead offer an ear to bend.
In the past year in particular, my husband and I have been faced with situations in which we could never have anticipated. My son's bipolar disorder coupled with other issues forced us to make some heartbreaking decisions. My mom was a rock. She has never judged her grandson for his actions, and she has been witness to some doozies. She sees him through a different lens and I have jokingly told her this wasn't the mom I had growing up. But that wasn't her role as mother, she and my father had to make tough decisions for myself and my brother and sister as well. As do any parents. Her role as grandmother allows her to have a relationship with her grandchildren free of parental responsibility, and instead one of mentor, nurturer, and friend. And she takes her role very seriously. I count my children quite fortunate to have this woman as their grandmother.
I have cried to her and with her on many occasions, more than I can count. But she always managed to give me hope, even in the bleakest days. I draw strength from her when I'm feeling weak and unsure of myself. I only hope I can do the same for her. She defines 'selfless" and has given me much more than I have given her. I want her to know I am always here to return the favor, although hers are big footsteps in which to follow.
I get to spend part of this weekend with two of my favorite people. I feel so blessed to be able to share a day that honors mothers with them. Two mothers for whom I have profound respect, two women I am privileged to call mother and sister. I look forward to spending the day, doing what we do best, talking for hours! This is such priceless, uninterrupted (once you have children this word falls into unfamiliar territory, only to be found again in the years of empty nesting I'm told) quality time and I will cherish it. And I will hold tight the memories we make.
Happy Mother's Day Mom. Thank you for being you.
I'd like to talk about one mother in particular, my own. I could not have gotten through so many of the challenges of the past two years without this incredible woman. She personifies strength and determination for me. To quit is not in her vernacular or her DNA, she is tenacious and uncompromising when it comes to her family. She is who you want in your corner when the chips are down, and everything seems impossible. My mother is a bulldog in sheep's clothing.
When my son was first diagnosed, my mom researched every site she could on bipolar disorder, she educated herself so that she could better understand my son and what my family goes through. When it comes to health, mental or physical my mother has always believed in educating oneself in order to be one's own and best advocate. It is no different for those she loves. She would email various sites to read, and when I was too wrapped up in the eye of any given storm, it was comforting to know I could talk to her, in short hand, without rehashing the day in detail. She didn't blink when I would snap at her in exhaustion, but instead offer an ear to bend.
In the past year in particular, my husband and I have been faced with situations in which we could never have anticipated. My son's bipolar disorder coupled with other issues forced us to make some heartbreaking decisions. My mom was a rock. She has never judged her grandson for his actions, and she has been witness to some doozies. She sees him through a different lens and I have jokingly told her this wasn't the mom I had growing up. But that wasn't her role as mother, she and my father had to make tough decisions for myself and my brother and sister as well. As do any parents. Her role as grandmother allows her to have a relationship with her grandchildren free of parental responsibility, and instead one of mentor, nurturer, and friend. And she takes her role very seriously. I count my children quite fortunate to have this woman as their grandmother.
I have cried to her and with her on many occasions, more than I can count. But she always managed to give me hope, even in the bleakest days. I draw strength from her when I'm feeling weak and unsure of myself. I only hope I can do the same for her. She defines 'selfless" and has given me much more than I have given her. I want her to know I am always here to return the favor, although hers are big footsteps in which to follow.
I get to spend part of this weekend with two of my favorite people. I feel so blessed to be able to share a day that honors mothers with them. Two mothers for whom I have profound respect, two women I am privileged to call mother and sister. I look forward to spending the day, doing what we do best, talking for hours! This is such priceless, uninterrupted (once you have children this word falls into unfamiliar territory, only to be found again in the years of empty nesting I'm told) quality time and I will cherish it. And I will hold tight the memories we make.
Happy Mother's Day Mom. Thank you for being you.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Sibling Balancing Act
As I mentioned in my first post, I am the mother of three. And while it is my son who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, the family lives with it, as if it is an additional family member. How do we avoid allowing our other children to get lost in the fray? Life is a balancing act without throwing mental illness into the fold, but how do we maintain this balance while living with what is, at it's very core, UN-balanced? My family and I are constantly trying to figure this out. Some days I think we have it down, and others I am reminded of how little control of said balance we have.
Our two daughters are younger than our son, one almost fifteen and the other is nine. Each have been affected but cope very differently. Our older daughter is quiet, and doesn't like to talk about it. She has many friends and I'm sure she confides in them often, as teenagers do. She is a sweet girl with so much to offer this world. Her silence is at times mistaken for strength. My girl is strong but she is still just a girl who needs reassurance that things are going to be alright. Our youngest, is definitely more vocal. It isn't often that I'm forced to guess what thoughts are racing through that little head because if she's thinking it, she's speaking it. But, I have noticed an increased level of anxiety, she has become a bit of a worry wart. She has also demonstrated a need for things to be in a certain order. However she is not at all allowing her fears or anxiety to inhibit her, she is always on the move and very social, some might say.....chatty.
Actually, my little chatterbox asked if she might be able to write something of her own to be included in this post. When I started writing this blog, and had it open on my computer, and she asked about it. After explaining that I wanted to help other families like us she asked if she could too. So the following paragraph is written by my "youngest contributor" from the heart of a nine year old.
Hello. I am Colleen Sagert’s daughter, Bridget. I am in 4th grade. I asked my mom today if I could write about what it is like for kids to see bipolar in action and how you can help them take their mind off of it. A little while ago I went to see a therapist. I told her when there were fights I was asked to go to my room, and that I would wonder and be worried about what’s going on outside the door because I could hear it all but not see it all. She told me things I can do to take my mind off what is happening. So, she told me I can get a tissue or shoe box and decorate it ahead of time. I can fill it with anything! Like nail polish, paint and paper, coloring materials, duck tape, and all kinds of stuff! I haven’t gotten a chance to try it because things are actually going very well right now. But, I bet the shoe or tissue box idea works!!! Another way was if my parents could start spending some more time with me. For example, maybe shopping or go out for brunch or dinner. I hope this was helpful advice!
Simple, right? We forget just how basic our kids' need really are. Some love and time, and apparently brunch on occasion, is what they need and ask for even when living with bipolar feels so complicated. How do we maintain the connection, and give our undivided attention to our other children when our lives are steeped in chaos? It is all too easy to delay giving them what they need because their demands aren't as immediate as the child who is depressed or manic. But if we delay too long, they will be. I catch myself focusing so much on my son and his needs, or how I'm being affected that even in good times I don't pay enough attention to my daughters. I have to reprogram myself to turn my focus on my girls. I don't mean to imply that it is work to spend time with them, just that at times It is a conscious effort. Have I taken them shopping one too many times? Perhaps, but I would rather they remember a shopping trip with their mom than a screaming match. And just maybe at times I overcompensate because they are both daddy's girls and yes, I'm a bit jealous. I admire my husband for his ability to in a sense, shake off a bad day and turn his attention to his daughters, because they can turn his day around. I don't let go that easy, and so I miss out on some of the good stuff, but I'm trying. Admittedly, there are days when I don't want to deal with a play date for my youngest daughter, because I don't feel like being "on", but I realize how important it is to maintain the normal as much as possible. After all they did not ask for this either.
Everyone has something they are dealing with, and I hope that my daughters have learned that they are prepared for anything life hands them. My son's struggles have taught my girls to be more compassionate and understanding. And although there have been times when they have been separated by distance or emotion from one another, there is an unbreakable bond between my three kids I hope only strengthens with time and maturity. They might even appreciate each other more for having gone through such challenging times. My son loves his sisters and they love him, it is simple.
I don't pretend to have all the answers in regard to raising children, but I do know that if we can strip back the complicated and feed our kids' basic needs then we are in a good place. If we are checking in with them regularly, and doing our best to keep things as normal as possible, by being consistent then hopefully they carry fewer emotional scars with them as they grow. It all comes back to balance, and placing just as much importance on your healthy kids' needs. Every one's individual success is vital to the success of the family. If we concentrate on only one or some, then the family falls apart. It is often impossible to give everyone our attention 100% of the time, but it seems almost instinctual for children to know which one of them needs the most attention, and who should step back. Not always, but sometimes when we, the parents need it the most. Something else to remember is how we benefit from giving more of ourselves to our children. As parents of children with mental illness, we so often feel beat down and unappreciated, and beg for that child's love, when through no fault of their own, they are unable to express it. Spending some extra time with our other children can help to ease some of the sadness. They fill our cup, and we fill theirs. And on a good day or week or month, there is balance, which feels like an undeniable accomplishment.
Our two daughters are younger than our son, one almost fifteen and the other is nine. Each have been affected but cope very differently. Our older daughter is quiet, and doesn't like to talk about it. She has many friends and I'm sure she confides in them often, as teenagers do. She is a sweet girl with so much to offer this world. Her silence is at times mistaken for strength. My girl is strong but she is still just a girl who needs reassurance that things are going to be alright. Our youngest, is definitely more vocal. It isn't often that I'm forced to guess what thoughts are racing through that little head because if she's thinking it, she's speaking it. But, I have noticed an increased level of anxiety, she has become a bit of a worry wart. She has also demonstrated a need for things to be in a certain order. However she is not at all allowing her fears or anxiety to inhibit her, she is always on the move and very social, some might say.....chatty.
Actually, my little chatterbox asked if she might be able to write something of her own to be included in this post. When I started writing this blog, and had it open on my computer, and she asked about it. After explaining that I wanted to help other families like us she asked if she could too. So the following paragraph is written by my "youngest contributor" from the heart of a nine year old.
Hello. I am Colleen Sagert’s daughter, Bridget. I am in 4th grade. I asked my mom today if I could write about what it is like for kids to see bipolar in action and how you can help them take their mind off of it. A little while ago I went to see a therapist. I told her when there were fights I was asked to go to my room, and that I would wonder and be worried about what’s going on outside the door because I could hear it all but not see it all. She told me things I can do to take my mind off what is happening. So, she told me I can get a tissue or shoe box and decorate it ahead of time. I can fill it with anything! Like nail polish, paint and paper, coloring materials, duck tape, and all kinds of stuff! I haven’t gotten a chance to try it because things are actually going very well right now. But, I bet the shoe or tissue box idea works!!! Another way was if my parents could start spending some more time with me. For example, maybe shopping or go out for brunch or dinner. I hope this was helpful advice!
Simple, right? We forget just how basic our kids' need really are. Some love and time, and apparently brunch on occasion, is what they need and ask for even when living with bipolar feels so complicated. How do we maintain the connection, and give our undivided attention to our other children when our lives are steeped in chaos? It is all too easy to delay giving them what they need because their demands aren't as immediate as the child who is depressed or manic. But if we delay too long, they will be. I catch myself focusing so much on my son and his needs, or how I'm being affected that even in good times I don't pay enough attention to my daughters. I have to reprogram myself to turn my focus on my girls. I don't mean to imply that it is work to spend time with them, just that at times It is a conscious effort. Have I taken them shopping one too many times? Perhaps, but I would rather they remember a shopping trip with their mom than a screaming match. And just maybe at times I overcompensate because they are both daddy's girls and yes, I'm a bit jealous. I admire my husband for his ability to in a sense, shake off a bad day and turn his attention to his daughters, because they can turn his day around. I don't let go that easy, and so I miss out on some of the good stuff, but I'm trying. Admittedly, there are days when I don't want to deal with a play date for my youngest daughter, because I don't feel like being "on", but I realize how important it is to maintain the normal as much as possible. After all they did not ask for this either.
Everyone has something they are dealing with, and I hope that my daughters have learned that they are prepared for anything life hands them. My son's struggles have taught my girls to be more compassionate and understanding. And although there have been times when they have been separated by distance or emotion from one another, there is an unbreakable bond between my three kids I hope only strengthens with time and maturity. They might even appreciate each other more for having gone through such challenging times. My son loves his sisters and they love him, it is simple.
I don't pretend to have all the answers in regard to raising children, but I do know that if we can strip back the complicated and feed our kids' basic needs then we are in a good place. If we are checking in with them regularly, and doing our best to keep things as normal as possible, by being consistent then hopefully they carry fewer emotional scars with them as they grow. It all comes back to balance, and placing just as much importance on your healthy kids' needs. Every one's individual success is vital to the success of the family. If we concentrate on only one or some, then the family falls apart. It is often impossible to give everyone our attention 100% of the time, but it seems almost instinctual for children to know which one of them needs the most attention, and who should step back. Not always, but sometimes when we, the parents need it the most. Something else to remember is how we benefit from giving more of ourselves to our children. As parents of children with mental illness, we so often feel beat down and unappreciated, and beg for that child's love, when through no fault of their own, they are unable to express it. Spending some extra time with our other children can help to ease some of the sadness. They fill our cup, and we fill theirs. And on a good day or week or month, there is balance, which feels like an undeniable accomplishment.
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