Have you ever not allowed yourself to enjoy life because you are waiting for the other proverbial steel toed boot to drop? What if it doesn't? Or what if that shoe is just a sandal? The other shoe WILL most likely drop at some point, but it is what we do with ourselves in the mean time that shapes how we handle the "boom".
For the last two months we have been blessed to have my son back home. It has been an answer to what seemed like a very long prayer. But, and I really hate to be a glass half empty kind of gal, but, I keep waiting for the boom! The past few years have been so volatile, so simply sad, I don't want to allow myself the joy I really want to experience. The joy I'm entitled to feel. As parents, mothers especially, we protect ourselves from the unforeseen, or from what we have already experienced and cannot bare to again. Unfortunately though, in the process we miss a lot of life.
I know from experience that our lives can take a quick turn at any given time, but I don't have to lie in wait for what may or may not happen. My kids think I'm boring, and they're right I AM boring! I always have my suit of armor on to protect myself from the insignificant eye roll or the heart piercing "you will never see me again", always a crowd pleas-er to which I respond "good I hope I don't". Not my proudest work, but oh so satisfying in the moment. I've been in survival mode for so long, my kids don't remember the fun me, the silly me. I really haven't given myself permission to be human because that means being the "v" word, vulnerable.
It's in that vulnerability that we also get to experience all of the positive, beautiful parts of life. And in protecting ourselves from the pain we exclude ourselves from the peace. And let's face it, when a relapse occurs we are going to want something positive to hold on to, to get us through it. In these times I remind myself of the accomplishments my son has made since returning home. I am proud of him. He has finished school, he has a job and he is taking steps toward advancing his education. A few years ago I would have assumed he would have accomplished this and more. Well you know what they say, never assume because it makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. That pearl of wisdom was brought to you by my eighth grade teacher, Sister Thomas Ann. Yes, you read that correctly! But I digress. So when times get a little dark around here, I remind myself that he can and will do so much more. And I think back to just one year ago, really just three months ago, his future looked bleak, and our family was fractured. I am so grateful for right now. It is by no means perfection, in the time I've taken to write this post, there have been setbacks, but nothing we cannot handle. We are only guaranteed right now, so we can either lie in wait for the next horrible, awful thing to happen, or we can celebrate the good in the moment. Okay perhaps celebrate is a little optimistic. Enjoy, bask, savor....you choose.
I am learning that while I have been in survival mode, I have allowed friendships to deteriorate. People are busy, everybody has something pulling them back from sharing themselves with friends and loved ones. And until we break the cycle of keeping to ourselves because it's easier, we just don't know who else may be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I miss socializing, I've almost forgotten how! But I'm not alone. There are many of you who are dealing with a relative's illness, a pile of bills, a demanding job, empty nesting it for the first time or you are doing it all by yourself. And getting through each day on a wing and a prayer. You're isolated because you don't think anyone else would understand. Everyone else's lives appear so orderly. Appearances can be deceiving my friends, and exhausting! It requires a lot of effort to maintain a perfect facade and frankly I don't have the energy for it anymore. I know I can help more people if I tell my story, rather than worry about the handful who will judge me for it.
If we do not put ourselves out there then what will fill our conversations we have with our spouses at night, or friends on the weekends? For as much as I have immersed myself in all things Bipolar, not everyone is as enthusiastic, I get it. I recently started a part part part time job as an independent consultant for a direct sales company. Now, going way back to grade school, selling candy door to door, I knew I was not meant for this line of work. It was clear when my cousin, who was a natural born salesman even at the age of eight, sold the candy for me by telling people I couldn't speak. Did I mention we were eight? So, with that experience in mind, I thought it would be a fabulous idea to pursue this line of work now. I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone, the bubble I've created for myself, and I am proud to say I am failing miserably! It does not come easy to me, I fear rejection even at 40ish, okay it's a firm 45. But if I continue then I have something to call my own, fail or no fail, something to inject into a conversation, something to share, and most importantly something that keeps me occupied when the other shoe does drop. Because it will drop, what goes up must come down. Hopefully more like a feather rather than a lead balloon.
