Last night ABC premiered a new drama called Black Box. It focuses on a very successful neurologist, Catherine Black, who is hiding the fact that she has bipolar disorder, but because of her own personal issues she is able to show her patients compassion that other doctors may lack.
It's a drama, in a ten pm time slot, so did I expect it to be a documentary or a true life depiction of a day in the life of? No. I anticipated that it would be salacious and glamorized, but I hoped it would be more responsible. It's as if the writers pulled from the wikipedia definition of what it is to be bipolar and squeezed it all into one episode. And the clincher is that she frequently and deliberately goes off her meds to achieve a high that she feels allows her to be at her best. Here in lies the moral and ethical dilemma of the show.
When someone who is has bipolar disorder is non-compliant with their medication, they can be self-destructive. They usually cycle through extreme mood changes such as a euphoric mania, an intense agitation, and self loathing depression. There are those who cycle through rapidly and those who cycle through over months at a time. But, the show's character skips her medication for one day and all hell breaks lose? That may be the case for a few but not the majority. And I can tell you from experience with my son, her return to work the following day is highly unlikely. Anyone having cycled through a gamut of extreme emotion would be exhausted. She was also able to hide her condition from her boyfriend of one year, having gone off her meds several times. That would be impossible to hide for that long without some red flags being raised. There were definitely creative liberties taken here. And wouldn't it be lovely to have a state of the art facility such as the one where Black works, available to us all? I can guarantee you I'd be battling with my insurance company over whether it is 'necessary coverage', and there is nothing glamorous about that!
There were some very emotional moments that hit home with me though. I was caught off guard by my own reaction to her being placed in the ambulance and put in restraints. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Her struggle to maintain relationships, keeping her secret so that people would "like" her, was all too familiar. Hiding this condition is a lot of work and can contribute to triggers that set off a cycle of mania and depression.
One constant running throughout the show was the term "normalize". In her work, it is her job to normalize her patients whether through surgery or med therapy, but she wrestles with wanting that for herself. She doesn't feel that everyone needs to be what society deems normal. I like to think of the word "normalize" not so much as a label, but as a vehicle to assist someone with mental illness, to live their most productive life possible. Normal is a spectrum in and of itself, and most people if honest aren't comfortable living on the fringe, especially when not by choice. Perhaps normal should be subjective, but we clearly put people in categories we are comfortable with. When Catherine is manic and putting herself in danger because she cannot control her impulses, she is faced with the question posed to her by her psychiatrist, "do you want to be exceptional and dead?" Her point being that her risk taking would end her life at some point, and that staying on her medication and normalizing was necessary to stay alive, for herself, her work, and for who is later revealed as her daughter.
I vacillate back and forth between wanting this show to succeed in order to get the word out, and settling for the way it is done. I had my own reservations as I mentioned and waited until this morning to read the opinions of so many with bipolar posting on message boards. I may have experience with this, but it is those who are actually diagnosed with bipolar disorder who truly know whether they are accurately represented. Many, many did not like the show for the way it handled not taking medication. Not to mention the fact that it focused primarily on the mania, easier to glamorize the highs as opposed to the lows. The depression in bipolar is very real and dark but a one hour drama can't spend much time on something that doesn't make good TV. My question is whether it had an impact on those who do not live with mental illness in some capacity? Did it prompt you to question more? Did it give you cause for more compassion? Did it help you to understand something you knew nothing about? Or was it simply entertainment? Is it true that any press is good press? At what cost? I hope that this prompts more documentaries to be made, so the general public can get a glimpse of what really does happen in the day and the life of someone with a mental illness and those who love them.
Did you watch? What did you think?
Friday, April 25, 2014
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Support
As I poured through message boards and blogs relating to bipolar disorder, trying to decide what this week's post should be about, there was one re-occurring theme no matter what the topic......support. Whether it was a mother desperately seeking information from others who have walked in her shoes, or those who have dealt with this much longer than I have, disseminating helpful information and resources, there was so much support.
You see, it is easier for people within the "Bipolar community" to respond to one another with words of support and knowledge, but what about those who know little to nothing about this disorder? Why do we expect people to know what to say when we tell them about a week long manic episode? If the information isn't out there then we cannot have expectations. And unfortunately it is left to us, the parents to educate our family and friends. The problem is we are so knee deep in the daily turmoil that the thought of explaining it to everyone is exhausting. We would love to get out of our own heads and not think about it for that cocktail hour with friends or at the weekend dance competition, but it is always there. And what else do we have to talk about since it is what we live 24/7? I struggle with this, but without the support of those closest to us it becomes impossible to move forward.
I urge those of you who haven't told your family and friends what you are going through to do so. It isn't easy because rejection is always waiting in the wings. When I was a little girl, I worried about whether other people liked me, and whether I fit in. Hello childhood, deja vu! But this time around, I don't worry about people liking ME, I worry about my son being treated differently. It's funny, because what parent worries about telling their friends their child has a physical disease? Would you be concerned about sharing your struggle with diabetes, or cancer? Of course not, and people's reactions would reflect that. They don't tell you tough love will heal your child, or kicking him out of the house will make him better. But those are some very real and typical responses from those who have little knowledge of mental illness. And who spends their time boning up on the latest issue of 'Bipolar Monthly' if they don't need to? However we must do better because we all know someone who is quietly, painfully dealing with this in some capacity, and we could all be more compassionate. On a recent news show profiling the shortfalls in the mental health system ( a topic for another day), parents were asked to explain the difference between telling people their children had a mental illness verses a physical disease. The response was "casseroles". One woman explained that when her daughter had her appendix removed people showed up on her doorstep with food. And when her son was admitted to a psychiatric hospital that same year, silence. People just don't know what to say. It isn't your fault, mental health is so ambiguous, we don't know what to do with it emotionally, right? An appendectomy is very cut and dry, we know to be sympathetic, offer our help and time. But a mental illness can imply so many things. Does it mean a person is crazy? Do we treat them with kid gloves and walk wide circles around them? Is it easier to simply stay away?
We have to eliminate the stigma. My son did not choose to be bipolar, and medication doesn't 'cure' him. Even with medication there are set backs. I am not asking for any casseroles to be left at my doorstep. I am asking that the next time you are faced with a loved one having the courage to share the most painful parts of their lives, let them know you are going to do a little reading. Try not to give parenting advice, because parenting the average child is far different than parenting a bipolar child. Everything you know and practice gets tossed out the window. You cannot discipline bipolar away. Check in with them more often to see how they are because things can change so quickly. Life can be great one day and the next is chaos! Or vise-versa. Give them a chance to share the positives as well. And don't be offended when they don't want to talk because sometimes it takes too much effort, or nerves are so raw that a meltdown in the produce section of the grocery store is entirely possible. But don't let being afraid to say the right thing prevent you from saying anything. Your love and support is everything!
If you would like information about Bipolar Disorder or other facets of mental illness there are some wonderful organizations with very comprehensive websites such as NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and National Institute of Mental Health and International Bipolar Foundation. For parents of bipolar kids who are looking for ways to share your story with family and friends, these websites are valuable tools to assist you. When you share your stories you will feel more vulnerable but it's that vulnerability that opens up the possibility for others to share their stories with you too. I have told my story to people I've known for a short while, and even some my whole life, and found out they too have a child or a mother or a friend who is bipolar. The more comfortable we feel, the hope is that our children feel more comfortable as well. They are the ones living with it, and we shouldn't make them feel ashamed by hiding it. We certainly do not need to divulge every private moment, but they have the right to be just as proud of themselves as any other child.
Today is my son's 18th birthday. And my birthday wish for him is to feel secure in knowing I am always here for him, during the highs and lows and every space in between, unconditionally. Although so much easier written than shown, I will continuously do what I can to help him feel supported.
Thank you for yours!
You see, it is easier for people within the "Bipolar community" to respond to one another with words of support and knowledge, but what about those who know little to nothing about this disorder? Why do we expect people to know what to say when we tell them about a week long manic episode? If the information isn't out there then we cannot have expectations. And unfortunately it is left to us, the parents to educate our family and friends. The problem is we are so knee deep in the daily turmoil that the thought of explaining it to everyone is exhausting. We would love to get out of our own heads and not think about it for that cocktail hour with friends or at the weekend dance competition, but it is always there. And what else do we have to talk about since it is what we live 24/7? I struggle with this, but without the support of those closest to us it becomes impossible to move forward.
I urge those of you who haven't told your family and friends what you are going through to do so. It isn't easy because rejection is always waiting in the wings. When I was a little girl, I worried about whether other people liked me, and whether I fit in. Hello childhood, deja vu! But this time around, I don't worry about people liking ME, I worry about my son being treated differently. It's funny, because what parent worries about telling their friends their child has a physical disease? Would you be concerned about sharing your struggle with diabetes, or cancer? Of course not, and people's reactions would reflect that. They don't tell you tough love will heal your child, or kicking him out of the house will make him better. But those are some very real and typical responses from those who have little knowledge of mental illness. And who spends their time boning up on the latest issue of 'Bipolar Monthly' if they don't need to? However we must do better because we all know someone who is quietly, painfully dealing with this in some capacity, and we could all be more compassionate. On a recent news show profiling the shortfalls in the mental health system ( a topic for another day), parents were asked to explain the difference between telling people their children had a mental illness verses a physical disease. The response was "casseroles". One woman explained that when her daughter had her appendix removed people showed up on her doorstep with food. And when her son was admitted to a psychiatric hospital that same year, silence. People just don't know what to say. It isn't your fault, mental health is so ambiguous, we don't know what to do with it emotionally, right? An appendectomy is very cut and dry, we know to be sympathetic, offer our help and time. But a mental illness can imply so many things. Does it mean a person is crazy? Do we treat them with kid gloves and walk wide circles around them? Is it easier to simply stay away?
We have to eliminate the stigma. My son did not choose to be bipolar, and medication doesn't 'cure' him. Even with medication there are set backs. I am not asking for any casseroles to be left at my doorstep. I am asking that the next time you are faced with a loved one having the courage to share the most painful parts of their lives, let them know you are going to do a little reading. Try not to give parenting advice, because parenting the average child is far different than parenting a bipolar child. Everything you know and practice gets tossed out the window. You cannot discipline bipolar away. Check in with them more often to see how they are because things can change so quickly. Life can be great one day and the next is chaos! Or vise-versa. Give them a chance to share the positives as well. And don't be offended when they don't want to talk because sometimes it takes too much effort, or nerves are so raw that a meltdown in the produce section of the grocery store is entirely possible. But don't let being afraid to say the right thing prevent you from saying anything. Your love and support is everything!
If you would like information about Bipolar Disorder or other facets of mental illness there are some wonderful organizations with very comprehensive websites such as NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and National Institute of Mental Health and International Bipolar Foundation. For parents of bipolar kids who are looking for ways to share your story with family and friends, these websites are valuable tools to assist you. When you share your stories you will feel more vulnerable but it's that vulnerability that opens up the possibility for others to share their stories with you too. I have told my story to people I've known for a short while, and even some my whole life, and found out they too have a child or a mother or a friend who is bipolar. The more comfortable we feel, the hope is that our children feel more comfortable as well. They are the ones living with it, and we shouldn't make them feel ashamed by hiding it. We certainly do not need to divulge every private moment, but they have the right to be just as proud of themselves as any other child.
Today is my son's 18th birthday. And my birthday wish for him is to feel secure in knowing I am always here for him, during the highs and lows and every space in between, unconditionally. Although so much easier written than shown, I will continuously do what I can to help him feel supported.
Thank you for yours!
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
What Can You Expect From Me?
You can
expect me to be honest! If I'm having a bad day, I won't candy coat
it, but I will try not to drag you down with me either. My intention
for starting this blog is two fold.....I want to open the door for
others to speak freely about their experiences as parents of children
with Bipolar Disorder, regain trust in themselves and help others. It
is also a form of therapy for me. I get to write about my experiences
and hopefully help someone else in the process. Society's attitude
toward mental illness needs an overhaul. I am so tired of seeing mug
shots of young people having committed some horrendous crime and labeled
"Mentally Ill". These mug shots should not be the face of mental
illness and the only way for that to change is through US, the parents! The face of Mental Illness looks just like you and me. Statistics say one in four of you and me to be precise.
We have to share what we know about our children. It is messy, really messy, and if you are like me, most of your friends and family have no idea what you have dealt with. But not sharing is isolating and lonely. And you know you are in trouble when you seek comfort in that loneliness! So little by little, let's lift ourselves out of the loneliness, because we are a community really, a community of parents who just want our children to find some balance, our families to find some peace, and our lives to regain a sliver of "normal".....a state of existence that seems to elude us. What is "normal" anyway? It is all relative isn't it?
I've wanted to start this blog for quite a while, but kept waiting for the perfect time. I wanted to have a complete story to tell, but I have finally realized this story will never be complete. I don't have a happy ending tied up with a pretty bow, I have a series of beginnings and endings called 24 hour days. Yes my friends, as I'm sure most of you do, we live day to day. Nothing is finite, with bipolar disorder, except the expectation of change. So, can we as parents of bipolar kids change anything? Can we change people's perceptions? Can we change how we cope? Can we change legislation? That's a biggy! But yes, I think so.
Please share what is working for you and your children. Even if it is only for a week, or a month because what may not work for one could possibly work for another. There is no single approach to treating bipolar disorder. We all have something to offer one another, and there is something to be said for safety in numbers. If you have a local event or support group to share, please post it.
My future posts will focus on a single topic each time. And if you have any suggestions I would be happy to hear them. Thank you for giving me your precious time.
Ride safely,
Colleen
We have to share what we know about our children. It is messy, really messy, and if you are like me, most of your friends and family have no idea what you have dealt with. But not sharing is isolating and lonely. And you know you are in trouble when you seek comfort in that loneliness! So little by little, let's lift ourselves out of the loneliness, because we are a community really, a community of parents who just want our children to find some balance, our families to find some peace, and our lives to regain a sliver of "normal".....a state of existence that seems to elude us. What is "normal" anyway? It is all relative isn't it?
I've wanted to start this blog for quite a while, but kept waiting for the perfect time. I wanted to have a complete story to tell, but I have finally realized this story will never be complete. I don't have a happy ending tied up with a pretty bow, I have a series of beginnings and endings called 24 hour days. Yes my friends, as I'm sure most of you do, we live day to day. Nothing is finite, with bipolar disorder, except the expectation of change. So, can we as parents of bipolar kids change anything? Can we change people's perceptions? Can we change how we cope? Can we change legislation? That's a biggy! But yes, I think so.
Please share what is working for you and your children. Even if it is only for a week, or a month because what may not work for one could possibly work for another. There is no single approach to treating bipolar disorder. We all have something to offer one another, and there is something to be said for safety in numbers. If you have a local event or support group to share, please post it.
My future posts will focus on a single topic each time. And if you have any suggestions I would be happy to hear them. Thank you for giving me your precious time.
Ride safely,
Colleen
What's My Story?
I am a
wife, a mom of three and a woman trying to navigate the twists and turns
of the roller-coaster that is Bipolar Disorder. My son was diagnosed
as Bipolar at age 16, and life before his diagnosis was rough enough,
not understanding the severity, we were unprepared for life after
diagnosis. In order to appreciate my perspective on Bipolar Disorder,
I'd like to give you some background. This, I do not share lightly, it
is terribly private and painful, but in order to help another mom or dad
struggling with sharing their own experiences with family and friends, I
let you in........
I wrote that first paragraph almost one month ago with quite an in depth explanation of my son's experiences but as I got about half way through I stopped. I thought I stopped because it was so painful to write, but I realized that I was telling my son's story and not mine. I wasn't doing him justice as a whole person. So I have shelved that version, and instead give you my fairly abbreviated story.
As most mothers, I had goals and expectations for my children when they were born. Anything seemed possible, the world was their oyster and I was going to do whatever it took to stay on course. Are you laughing yet? Stay on course? Who did I think I was having a plan as if I was in control? Having a child who is Bipolar altered our course long before a diagnosis, and I m having a very difficult time accepting this. Our quiet, pre-fixed menu of a life has been shaken like a snow globe in the hands of a two year old. But if I'm honest with myself, there were always little shake ups along the way, having nothing to do with Bipolar Disorder, that threw us off course, not part of my design but certainly in God's master plan. It was simply life at work.
My son turns 18 this month and I am scared to death. Most people would say I should be relieved that he has to take more responsibility for himself and his own life. But I don't feel that way because I am his mom first and foremost and I want to protect him from the decisions that can hurt him. You see, he has already made some dangerous and painful decisions in his short life that have set him back academically, economically, emotionally and socially. This mental illness, a term I'm not all together comfortable using, has robbed him of sound decision making, and social inclusion and self confidence. Now, I'm completely aware that most teenagers do not make sound decisions, in fact we can pretty much anticipate it throughout their teens and early twenties! But Bipolar Disorder goes above and beyond because it tricks the mind into believing they know it all, they are experts in all matters, and carry a false bravado that makes them feel even more invincible than most teens do. They have many ideas in the wee hours of the morning that never see fruition, and then the depression from the isolation they feel within takes hold, along with anger that is often unapologetic because it is too painful to revisit. This is the "Bipolar Coaster" I ride daily. This is the roller coaster many parents of Bipolar children have no choice but to ride. To say that Bipolar Disorder has thrown us off course is an understatement. What does my son's future look like? I really do not have a clue anymore, but I know he wants one. And I have learned to live day by day. Well that's not entirely true, I AM LEARNING TO LIVE DAY BY DAY. I only have the day that is in front of me, and I only have control of my own actions in regard to my son's bipolar disorder. My husband is much further along in this process than I am, attribute it to the apron string theory I suppose. I feel that if I let go, then I'm sending my son the message that I no longer care, as screwy as that sounds. If you do not have a child who is Bipolar you do not know how frightening it is that they now have control of their own lives. My son has chosen not to live with us. That choice was painful enough to accept, but the thought of him not taking medication, ending up homeless, and misunderstood by the authorities is more than I can bare. I do worry about him driving at night, and doing well in school and dating the right girl but these concerns pale in comparison I'm afraid.
For all of the pain I've experienced, I relish in the moments I have with my son that are raw and honest and light. He is extremely bright and funny and I hope as he matures and feels more comfortable in his diagnosis ( a diagnosis he rejects at the moment) more of these beautiful traits and gifts will show themselves. He is creative, and needs to give himself more credit for his accomplishments which are measured differently now as well, but that is all part of this new "path" my family is on. I'd like to say that I have evolved and my experiences have allowed me to see only what is important in life, and that I no longer "sweat the small stuff". Nope, I'm still a control freak, who just this morning gave my youngest daughter a hard time about the shoes she paired with her dress. Petty as that is, it is a small reminder that I'm still a mom of three, and no one's lives are stopping for me. My other kids need me to be their mom, and while I have days when my bed is the only comfort I seek, and I want desperately to turn back the clock, I cannot let my life be lived without me. I am a work in progress.........
I wrote that first paragraph almost one month ago with quite an in depth explanation of my son's experiences but as I got about half way through I stopped. I thought I stopped because it was so painful to write, but I realized that I was telling my son's story and not mine. I wasn't doing him justice as a whole person. So I have shelved that version, and instead give you my fairly abbreviated story.
As most mothers, I had goals and expectations for my children when they were born. Anything seemed possible, the world was their oyster and I was going to do whatever it took to stay on course. Are you laughing yet? Stay on course? Who did I think I was having a plan as if I was in control? Having a child who is Bipolar altered our course long before a diagnosis, and I m having a very difficult time accepting this. Our quiet, pre-fixed menu of a life has been shaken like a snow globe in the hands of a two year old. But if I'm honest with myself, there were always little shake ups along the way, having nothing to do with Bipolar Disorder, that threw us off course, not part of my design but certainly in God's master plan. It was simply life at work.
My son turns 18 this month and I am scared to death. Most people would say I should be relieved that he has to take more responsibility for himself and his own life. But I don't feel that way because I am his mom first and foremost and I want to protect him from the decisions that can hurt him. You see, he has already made some dangerous and painful decisions in his short life that have set him back academically, economically, emotionally and socially. This mental illness, a term I'm not all together comfortable using, has robbed him of sound decision making, and social inclusion and self confidence. Now, I'm completely aware that most teenagers do not make sound decisions, in fact we can pretty much anticipate it throughout their teens and early twenties! But Bipolar Disorder goes above and beyond because it tricks the mind into believing they know it all, they are experts in all matters, and carry a false bravado that makes them feel even more invincible than most teens do. They have many ideas in the wee hours of the morning that never see fruition, and then the depression from the isolation they feel within takes hold, along with anger that is often unapologetic because it is too painful to revisit. This is the "Bipolar Coaster" I ride daily. This is the roller coaster many parents of Bipolar children have no choice but to ride. To say that Bipolar Disorder has thrown us off course is an understatement. What does my son's future look like? I really do not have a clue anymore, but I know he wants one. And I have learned to live day by day. Well that's not entirely true, I AM LEARNING TO LIVE DAY BY DAY. I only have the day that is in front of me, and I only have control of my own actions in regard to my son's bipolar disorder. My husband is much further along in this process than I am, attribute it to the apron string theory I suppose. I feel that if I let go, then I'm sending my son the message that I no longer care, as screwy as that sounds. If you do not have a child who is Bipolar you do not know how frightening it is that they now have control of their own lives. My son has chosen not to live with us. That choice was painful enough to accept, but the thought of him not taking medication, ending up homeless, and misunderstood by the authorities is more than I can bare. I do worry about him driving at night, and doing well in school and dating the right girl but these concerns pale in comparison I'm afraid.
For all of the pain I've experienced, I relish in the moments I have with my son that are raw and honest and light. He is extremely bright and funny and I hope as he matures and feels more comfortable in his diagnosis ( a diagnosis he rejects at the moment) more of these beautiful traits and gifts will show themselves. He is creative, and needs to give himself more credit for his accomplishments which are measured differently now as well, but that is all part of this new "path" my family is on. I'd like to say that I have evolved and my experiences have allowed me to see only what is important in life, and that I no longer "sweat the small stuff". Nope, I'm still a control freak, who just this morning gave my youngest daughter a hard time about the shoes she paired with her dress. Petty as that is, it is a small reminder that I'm still a mom of three, and no one's lives are stopping for me. My other kids need me to be their mom, and while I have days when my bed is the only comfort I seek, and I want desperately to turn back the clock, I cannot let my life be lived without me. I am a work in progress.........
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