Support

As I poured through message boards and blogs relating to bipolar disorder, trying to decide what this week's post should be about, there was one re-occurring theme no matter what the topic......support.  Whether it was a mother desperately seeking information from others who have walked in her shoes, or those who have dealt with this much longer than I have, disseminating helpful information and resources, there was so much support.  

You see, it is easier for people within the "Bipolar community" to respond to one another with words of support and knowledge, but what about those who know little to nothing about this disorder?  Why do we expect people to know what to say when we tell them about a week long manic episode?  If the information isn't out there then we cannot have expectations.  And unfortunately it is left to us, the parents to educate our family and friends.  The problem is we are so knee deep in the daily turmoil that the thought of explaining it to everyone is exhausting.  We would love to get out of our own heads and not think about it for that cocktail hour with friends or at the weekend dance competition, but it is always there.  And what else do we have to talk about since it is what we live 24/7?  I struggle with this, but without the support of those closest to us it becomes impossible to move forward.  

I urge those of you who haven't told your family and friends what you are going through to do so.  It isn't easy because rejection is always waiting in the wings.  When I was a little girl, I worried about whether other people liked me, and whether I fit in.  Hello childhood, deja vu!  But this time around, I don't worry about people liking ME, I worry about my son being treated differently.  It's funny, because what parent worries about telling their friends their child has a physical disease?  Would you be concerned about sharing your struggle with diabetes, or cancer?  Of course not, and people's reactions would reflect that.  They don't tell you tough love will heal your child, or kicking him out of the house will make him better.  But those are some very real and typical responses from those who have little knowledge of mental illness.  And who spends their time boning up on the latest issue of 'Bipolar Monthly' if they don't need to?  However we must do better because we all know someone who is quietly, painfully dealing with this in some capacity, and we could all be more compassionate.   On a recent news show profiling the shortfalls in the mental health system ( a topic for another day), parents were asked to explain the difference between telling people their children had a mental illness verses a physical disease.  The response was "casseroles".  One woman explained that when her daughter had her appendix removed people showed up on her doorstep with food.  And when her son was admitted to a psychiatric hospital that same year, silence.  People just don't know what to say.  It isn't your fault, mental health is so ambiguous, we don't know what to do with it emotionally, right?  An appendectomy is very cut and dry, we know to be sympathetic, offer our help and time.  But a mental illness can imply  so many things.  Does it mean a person is crazy?   Do we treat them with kid gloves and walk wide circles around them?  Is it easier to simply stay away? 

We have to eliminate the stigma. My son did not choose to be bipolar, and medication doesn't 'cure' him.  Even with medication there are set backs.  I am not asking for any casseroles to be left at my doorstep.  I am asking that the next time you are faced with a loved one having the courage to share the most painful parts of their lives, let them know you are going to do a little reading.  Try not to give parenting advice, because parenting the average child is far different than parenting a bipolar child.  Everything you know and practice gets tossed out the window.  You cannot discipline bipolar away.  Check in with them more often to see how they are because things can change so quickly.  Life can be great one day and the next is chaos!  Or vise-versa.  Give them a chance to share the positives as well.  And don't be offended when they don't want to talk because sometimes it takes too much effort, or nerves are so raw that a meltdown in the produce section of the grocery store is entirely possible.  But don't let being afraid to say the right thing prevent you from saying anything.  Your love and support is everything!  

If you would like information about Bipolar Disorder or other facets of mental illness there are some wonderful organizations with very comprehensive websites such as NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and National Institute of Mental Health and International Bipolar Foundation. For parents of bipolar kids who are looking for ways to share your story with family and friends, these websites are valuable tools to assist you.  When you share your stories you will feel more vulnerable but it's that vulnerability that opens up the possibility for others to share their stories with you too.  I have told my story to people I've known for a short while, and even some my whole life, and found out they too have a child or a mother or a friend who is bipolar.  The more comfortable we feel, the hope is that our children feel more comfortable as well.  They are the ones living with it, and we shouldn't make them feel ashamed by hiding it.  We certainly do not need to divulge every private moment, but they have the right to be just as proud of themselves as any other child. 

Today is my son's 18th birthday.  And my birthday wish for him is to feel secure in knowing I am always here for him, during the highs and lows and every space in between, unconditionally.  Although so much easier written than shown, I will continuously do what I can to help him feel supported.

Thank you for yours!